On the road to rediscovery...

It has been a loooonnngg time since I have written on this blog but after cutting all my hair one month and one week ago, I decided that I have reason to write again.  I had been struggling with the decision to "go natural" for well over a year but I just couldn't decide.  Plus I loved my hair cut & color.  My hair was healthy so why mess with a good thing?  But for me I think it went deeper than just cutting relaxed ends off of my hair.  For me it is about self discovery, appreciating the Me that God created, flaws and all.  As I have said in a previous post, growing up was no walk in the park.  I had many insecurities about my the color of my skin and my weight and then eye glasses were thrown into the mix.  Not that I was overweight...far from that...but I was underweight.  I went into my high school years not even weight 100 lbs.  All around me were these girls that were filled out and there I was... a deflated balloon...All I cared about was what people thought about Shantae because to me their opinion shaped who I was.  If someone said I was funny looking, then I thought I was funny looking. Oh and when I got a compliment, that would make my day but I always had the negative comments in the back of my head.

Leaving high school and on to college wasn't a huge difference for me.  I had gained about 15 lbs so I was weighing in at a whopping 115 lbs!  I was a little  more comfortable in my own skin but not really.  I had been getting more frequent compliments so I started to think a little more about myself.  But the one compliment that to this day rubs me the wrong is "you are really pretty to be dark skin".  So are you  insinuating that darker skins are normally unattractive?  Anywho, I continued to live life with security issues but didn't accept this fact until about 5 years ago.  I would look in the mirror and wonder "would someone find this attractive?"  that question fueled how I dressed, how I did my hair, and if I ripped a contact lens that would just end all because that meant wearing my dreadful glasses.

Fast forward five years, I am 28 years old, have been married for seven years and am the mother of three children.  Wanna know something funny?...The weight that I longed to have when I was 115 lbs, I now have but up until recently was trying so hard to get rid of.  It took me to actually see pictures of myself then and now to realize that I don't need to change a thing, well I sure could tone everything up.  But at 147 lbs, why am I trying to lose 20 lbs? (I remember when I was trying to gain 20 lbs) Is it because that's what I want or that's what I think people want to see?  This is what I have to ask myself.  Because if it is the latter, then I need to refocus.  We must develop the "this is me, take me as I am" attitude.  Now I feel like as long as I know I look good in my clothes, I am happy with my weight.  But you will never see me past 150 lbs! Ever!!

When it came to cutting my hair, I had been constantly thinking about it more and more.  I researched taking care of natural hair, and watched plenty of tutorial on how to do it.  So one day, I didn't turn back.  I washed my hair, looked in the mirror for a few seconds and reached for the scissors (no I do not know how to do hair lol).  I cut way more than I wanted to but thankfully the hubby fixed it and there was no turning back.  It was all gone.  No matter how long I looked in the mirror the image would remain the same.  I got many compliments but still questioned if I had made the right decision but you know what?, it's just hair, it will eventually grow back.  In the mean time, I will be on this journey of rediscovery.  Getting to know me, outside of the opinion of others.  Outside of what society thinks.  To do what makes ME happy!

I know this post is lengthy but hopefully somebody somewhere will see something in my words that will put them on their own path to self discovery.  It is hard nowadays because everyone seems to have an opinion but I think with the strength that only God can give, we can overcome.  We will overcome, as long as we choose to fight!

Continue to follow my personal journey to rediscovery and mission to redefine "beauty".  It's gonna be a long bumpy road ahead so fasten your seat belts and stay tuned...